don't know exactly what to write about.

i'm... tired. let's say that.

i can't stop thinking about one of the biggest jerks alive and definitely the worst guy ive ever dated. i want to do things i know im not allowed to. im restless. im tired but i dont want to sleep. i want to run.. anywhere. i want to take a walk and just keep going. what should i do? what CAN i do?
i can't stand not knowing.
im uncomfortable. not in my body. in my mind, i cant think exactly straight. im confused. im worried. im... ugh, every bad descriptive word you can think of.

somethings wrong. it's just me, i know it, but i hate it. i know what's wrong, too. im just having an off day. but it upsets me. haha. i havent had my brownie fix today... i want it. now.
no.
i want him in GENERAL.
im tired. ive been so tired of waiting... and now that the chance is here, what am i doing? sitting. here. WAITING.

hmm. could that be what's wrong? maybe it's one thing.


im already tired of writing. lay-tah

questions, questions...

you drive down the road
a nice, peaceful cruise
your mind's at ease
you enjoy the cool breeze

but what do you do
when your car separates
and drives down two
different roads?

what do you do
do you try and hold it together
and only drive one way?

can you decide which way to go?
the car keeps going
it doesn't pay attention to you
it cares nothing for your thoughts
only your feelings

which side of the car
do you jump into?
to which part of yourself
do you stay true?

can you decide?

choose quickly

who knows how long you have...


but
what if one side of the car
pulls away too quickly
will you only have
one choice?

what will happen?
what can you do?

will the two sides be close enough
for long enough?

I have a stomachache.

it hurts. oh well. it'll go away soon, probably.
yesterday was a good day, and nothing bad at all has happened to day.

so why do i not feel right?

i wonder what it is. i don't know. loneliness? maybe. sadness? not really. nothing exactly to be sad about. discomfort? in a way, yeah. but what's causing that ?

list of some things i have to stop...
1. cursing. bad habit. bad for Camp, especially.
2. FWB. it's... just exists. and it's like a normal thing... but it shouldn't be. i don't want it to be. how do i tell the guys that, though? i mean... they'll get mad at me... i hate it when ppl r mad at me.
3. slacking off. i have two bad grades in school right now. pretty easily fixed, but still, they're there. gotta quit it with that.
4. being a bitch? i dunno. i let ppl annoy me too often and i flip out. ive been flipping out a lot recently.
5. existing. it'd be nice if i didn't exist anymore.

i'm tired. physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted. i want this fucking school year to end. grades are biting me in the ass, every boy situation i've ever been in has bitten me in the ass at some point... it's all so damned annoying. and tiring.

wow, turned into a pretty depressing blog, huh? oh well.

Fujiko out...

Hangin' with the Flexinator

so i'm in global studies. it ain't so bad today. we finished the movie we've been watching for the longest time now and it ends with the main guy getting shot, of course. it's a real story kinda thing, too--about El Salvador trying to get independence but being under the control of military jackasses. anyway, we finished that and then talked a little about it. then we had to take some survey. it was kinda boring. so now we have free time. and shes literally letting us do WHATEVER we want. so i'm listening to music, doing a blog and signed onto meebo, just in case my peers decide to hop on.
i'm in a good mood today. it's not SPECTACULAR or anything, but i'm not mad or anything. i was last period, though--jeez i hate christy bond. she's so damned annoying. always talking like her life depends on it and being a dumbass. called her cake face to try and get her to shut up she just smart-assed at me. and later she was talking about how i called her cake face and she said she was like "i dont c any sprinkles!" i was sitting BEHIND HER. those are our assigned seats. she needs to be shot. she's so annoying. anyway though i felt better because i started writing all over my jeans. wrote all this stuff....

mas de las chicas con caras de pastel son PERRAS!!!
kangaroo court<3
cigarillos son del Diablo
salta, mujer, salta!
se prohibe fumar! tonto....
quiero ser fiel
pongo bebes en el horno! =D
conservar los arboles!

i also renewed the spot where my jeans say "A saint is a sinner who never quit trying. -Yogananda" and i wrote on my sneakers...
the phantom of the opera<3
quest for camelot
camp manatawny<3
idiomas<3
and that's all...for now =3 *mischievous* anyway. i had a study hall this morning, seeing as it's thursday (damn.. it's also my day to do the dishes...), so i used it to go to senorita's first period class. it was fun. theres a guy in there that wants to get with me (if anyone knew it, they'd laugh their asses off at him--he's a popular-type dude). he answered a question and i was like O.0 jeez his voice is still so high... xD haha. anyways.
so, class is over in a few minutes. i'm listening to "the reason" by hoobastank. it's a really good song.<3 also was just listening to a song by avril lavigne<3 she'll always be awesome, i don't care how old i get.
anyway, i gotta get off before the bell rings.

fujiko out--<3

The Perfect Guy

If I were to describe the perfect man...
he would be... ... ...

• strong (i like someone who i can compete with--it makes life, and the relationship, more fun)
• intelligent (on par with me, of course--honor roll for life, and get a good college)
• a Christian (my mother won't have it any other way, besides the fact i want it like that anyway)
• loving
• musically inclined (doesn't have to be talented or anything--just has to love music, like me =])
• mature (i'll use emily's x as an example--for her, hanging out with him was like babysitting. if i have to tell you to shut your trap when you're being too loud, or to stop being immature, or that you're being an idiot--maybe you need to shape up)
• fun-loving (even with maturity, there's always room for fun--i love to have fun, and if i'm not having fun, i'm not living life, or being happy)
• someone who can make me laugh (laughter=endorphins=happy. i like being happy)
• respectful--to ALL (elders, women, and FELLOW MEN alike, respect to all people is important--if you can respect others and treat them kindly, you'll mature just from doing that)
• hate is bad (i'm not saying to NOT hate--i sometimes hate ((or want to)) but trying to not saying and trying to tone it down to just be like "they annoy me" is better than hating--you learn to love more when you hate less.)
• an optimist! (if he's being down all the time, what'm i to do? i can cheer him up, of course--but what if i'm having a bad day? he has to be able to help ME too!)

i'm just thinking out loud; i'm not trying to correct anyones ways by typing this up. its just some random thing i thought i'd do. me being spontaneous and all =]

oh, and just another thought... has to be REALLY GOOD in bed, too!!! ... hahaha =D jk!! rofl!

Random

I want a guy that I can run to with tears streaming down my face, and the first thing he says to me is, "Whose ass am I kickin', babe?"

And another one...haha.

and then i thought, after i made that last blog, why not put up my lover's thing? so i went and got it and i think it did pretty well on him, too. he has his faults, but i still love him dearly =]

CANCER - The Protector (June 21 - July 22)Moody, emotional. May be shy. Very loving and caring. Excellent partners. Protective. Inventive and imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

Email FWDs are bothers...oh well

so i checked my email today and, to my dismay, i had several fwds. this one i actually paid attention to. i just like the whole what-are-you? thing, and seeing if they're correct. i think this one did pretty well, so i decided to put it on here...why not? i'm bored.


AQUARIUS - The Sweetheart (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal.. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality. 11 years of luck if you forward.

hangin' with the devil

i'm just in flexons class playin geography games to get a good grade on the quiz next wed or thur... shes unsure about the date... air head xD haha. shes not so bad recently. i rele hate quinzi tho. ive only broken my vow of silence to give hannah davids #, cuz she needed it for someone else in choir. otherwise, i shall be vigilant... i hate quinzi with such a passion right now. the only bad thing that i can see coming out of this is if i have her for classes in my future years of high school... that could be bad. whatever. ill worry about that later.
i finally get to talk to my baby again!!! im SO incredibly excited =D ive missed him...<3 much ="]
i'm sorta bored. i dont feel like studying much xD hahaha oh well i will soon, when im done typing this up.
man, i cant wait for my ipod to get here!! its been like a month i wonder why its taking so long to get here... i think im ganna try and get info on why its taking forever sometime when i get home.
oh, i get to babysit my little cuz piper tonight! =] shes sort of a handful sometimes, but im sure shell b fine. im doin it in exchange for my aunt & uncle to keep me over the weekend--the rest of the fam's goin to virginia for my cousin leah's play. i hope she does good!! shes an amazing singer and very dramatic.... haha. so im sure shell do fine.
well id better go before i get caught hahaha xD byebye!

Damn it, Valentine!!!

where are you, exactly, anyway?
ok, so my phone died last night. i tried to call my valentine with emilys phone. didnt pick up. tried the house. same thing.
so i woke up this morning. tried all three phones. no response. i said happy vday via txt this morn with mine, too-no response.

WTF!?

anyway. so. i'm kinda pissed. i really wanted to talk to my valentine... but whatever.
and i know that this is irrelevant because its not like hes here to give me anything and its not like i expect anything at all but im sorta jealous of em cuz her bf got her a HUGE rele soft puppy dog, an amethyst ring & matching bracelet & a bouquet of flowers... amethyst is my favorite, it's my birth stone. it's so pretty...especially when it's not just purple. like when it's got the pinkish hue, y'know? it's so nice...
but its not like i even have anything, so i dont expect anything. i mean were not even dating, we just r in love.......not a reason to talk on valentines day or anything.....whatever. i dont want any present. i just wish i could talk to him..............

whatever. bye, blogspot.... happy valentines day.

A Green Understanding

stupid poem i wrote...............................



A Green Understanding

My heart clutches

WHen I hear what you say

I understand completely

I'm even more guilty of this

But I feel the monster
It bites at my heart
Gnaws on my mind

My imagination tortures me

I hate to think that she--

--Some unnamed girl,

Come out of air--

Would be in my place.

It makes my heart race.

My stomach turns

And the image burns

In my mind

And in my heart

I feel a wound

I understand

The green monster

Gives me pain & grief

It moves in every one of my limbs

Urges me to tear, kill, thrash, hit

Anything and everything

Within my reach

I force down the urge

And I stifle a sob

I understand now.

The green monster grins,

My torn and bleeding heart

Clasped in his jaws.

I try to sleep

But receive no mercy.

Now, I understand.
And I'm sorry.

like i said.............dumb poem :p

In the Middle

at the moment, im in the middle... i'm not super-sad, but i'm not elated with life. i hurt someone so badly, and i feel awful. but they seem to be at least sober about it now... that cheers me up. and i have a reason to be happy, but i can't be completely satisfied when the most important person isn't perfectly happy... i just hope everything will smooth out for as long as it lasts, and that it can ultimately be all right when it's through.

in other news, my cell phone has been taken by the school. i didn't do it this time, either!!! ok so i used to take gymnastics and i LOVED it--my favorite thing is the bars! i love to climb things, trees, poles, whatevs. so i went to hang upside down on the pull up bar in the little gym @ my school, but im like o snap my fones in my pocket! itll fall out and die if its in my pocket! so i gave it to my friend (for privacy's sake lets call her casey) n went n hung upside down. so i was hangin there, relaxin (yes im weird bite me :P) n girl (lets call her megan) walks up shes like "casey lost ur fone to the teacher!" and i FLIP. i hop down i go over to her im like WHAT!?! YOU LOST MY PHONE!!?!?? she was kinda scared i think haha she was like "dnt wrry ill get it back dnt worry!" n in my head im just like psh u cant get it back till the end of the day but i was just like ugh watev. long as i dnt get into trouble. so, i still don't have it and am so mad b/c i cant txt anyone....................... which is posing a problem this day in particular. but anyway. ill get it back tom morn. so itll b all good. just hope tom comes faster. haha.

well now i feel in a green mood... and ykno after writing things out, i'm a bit above the middle. i'm not so down now. i hope the feeling spreads<3

good night Hielo<3... and good night, rest of the world!